I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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