I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
