Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
God, I missed his penis.
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