I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
