my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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