He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
