I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
