Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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