drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
