god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
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I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
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I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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