btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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