so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
