There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Randomize
