I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I understand Curling. That high.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
