Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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