i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
