my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
