dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
