If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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