My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
