Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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