Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
