Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come see our sink grown plant.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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