I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I would ride that face into the sunset
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
