I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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