wrigley field is MILF paradise
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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