You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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