She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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