You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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