i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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