hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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