i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
