I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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