I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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