Im at strip club and am horny
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
