I hate your face
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
