Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
