I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
We need to get me chipped asap
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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