My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
