Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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