haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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