Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
