I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
