I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
