Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
