I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Randomize
