I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Randomize
