I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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