Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He felt like a one man threesome
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize