I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
