You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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