I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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