One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
