I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
They have beer where we have blood.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
